Taking a negative pregnancy test never gets easier.
Your heart pounds as you count down the seconds waiting for the answer to appear.
You figure this surely must be the month, because you’ve waited so long.
And then it happens.
The lines reveal themselves, and the answer is negative.
In an instant I become upset.
The tears begin to flow, and in a matter of minutes I begin to feel angry.
Angry that the fertility treatments have not worked.
Angry about all of the times we’ve tried.
Angry about all of the plastic negative tests that have been tossed into our garbage.
And then I realize, being angry isn’t helping the situation at all.
Being angry is being selfish.
Because in my heart I know God will give me another baby.
It just might not be in the way that I had thought.
To calm my heart, I snuck into Wyatt’s room and watched him as he slept.
Something about watching him sleep is so comforting to me.
His smell, his eyelashes flickering as he dreams.
It puts me at peace.
I just have to have faith.
I have to let go, and I have to trust.
I’m sorry Kendall, u are right there is a plan but it is hard nonetheless. Have u done yoga or read into it? I know you have your faith but the quiet peace that yoga gives u, away from the negative chatter might help through this difficult time?
Bettina @ http://www.littleoldsouls.com
OH Kendall – I’ve been there, too many times. I’ve actually stopped take pregnancy tests because it’s just too hard sometimes.
I am so sorry. I cant imagine that feeling. but I know what you are doing is so strong and so positive. Knowing God is in all things is the best and right way to look at all things. Surround yourself in positive light. Just as you are. Thats what helps me.
Kendall, I’m right there with you. We’re been “not trying, but not not trying” since March and I swear I’ve taken a dozen tests in secret hopes that they’re positive. I stopped taking them just because it gives me so much anxiety and heartache.
It might not help much, but whatever is meant to happen will happen so try not to think about it too much. Practically impossible, I know.
I am reminded that God’s timing is divine and better than mine. Best wishes and Peace
so sorry honey ๐ I love that you’re able to snuggle sweet Wyatt and know for sure what a blessing he is!! Continue to trust in God – it doesn’t make any sense now, but I’m sure it will when you look back years later ๐ *hugs*
what a beautiful post, praying for you!
awww, Kendall, please don’t be sad! It will happen when it has to happen even though I know how disappointing it is! I’m sending you my best and warmest wishes!
Katie
Praying you. For peace and strength. And for the children who will join your family in the future – they are blessed to have you as a mama!