Taking a negative pregnancy test never gets easier.
Your heart pounds as you count down the seconds waiting for the answer to appear.
You figure this surely must be the month, because you’ve waited so long.

And then it happens.
The lines reveal themselves, and the answer is negative.
In an instant I become upset.
The tears begin to flow, and in a matter of minutes I begin to feel angry.
Angry that the fertility treatments have not worked.
Angry about all of the times we’ve tried.
Angry about all of the plastic negative tests that have been tossed into our garbage.

And then I realize, being angry isn’t helping the situation at all.
Being angry is being selfish.
Because in my heart I know God will give me another baby.
It just might not be in the way that I had thought.

To calm my heart, I snuck into Wyatt’s room and watched him as he slept.
Something about watching him sleep is so comforting to me.
His smell, his eyelashes flickering as he dreams.
It puts me at peace.

I just have to have faith.
I have to let go, and I have to trust.

There is a plan. It will happen. And I just have to be patient.
What calms you when you’re angry?