I don’t even recognize myself.

purple flower

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person staring back at me. We all have a mental image of what we think we look like – and most often – it’s not accurate. When I think of myself I think of the way I looked years ago, when I wasn’t overweight, when I felt good about myself. I guess this is just the version of myself that I like to remember.

I’m an emotional eater, and the past year has been really rough. I’ve comforted myself with food, way, way, too much food. The day I gave birth to Levi I weighed in at 250lbs. A few months later I weighed in at 215. For my height and body type I should be somewhere around 140lbs. I’m starting to have pain in my knees, I feel run-down, and I’m just now being shaken out of the comatose heavy state that I’ve been in for the past few years. It’s not me – it’s not who I am, and I don’t feel beautiful.

I feel that everyone has the right to feel beautiful. You know the feeling you get when you put on your favorite pair of jeans and just love the way you look? Or when you magically have a good hair day and get that huge jolt of confidence? I haven’t had one of those days in a very, very – long time.

I’ve got curves, I always have. But now I’ve come to the point of being obese – and it’s just not healthy. I want to be able to run around and chase my boys without being out of breath. I want to be able to dance and walk and run without my knees hurting.

I’ve went to extreme lengths (hysterectomy) to stop the severe pain I was experiencing from endometriosis, I gave up the ability to have more children so I could be a better mother to the ones I have. I want to be that mom for them. I want to be active with them. And it all starts with DOING it.

On Monday I’ll be starting the 30-Day Shred Jillian Michaels DVD.  I’ll be watching what I eat and watching how I deal with stress. Instead of treating myself to something sweet, I’ll take Wyatt and Levi to the park, or take the dog on a walk, or  just have a cold glass of water. I need to replace those bad food habits with good ones. And it’s going to be hard, REALLY hard.

I’m not going to say that I’ll never have a latte from Starbucks, a brownie, or a milkshake ever again – because that’s not being realistic. I LOVE food! And I’m definitely not saying that I will get down to my wedding weight from 7 years ago (130lbs) because that’s not realistic either. I’m just saying that I am going to strive to be healthy again. I am going to be more active with my kids, get outside more, focus on my health and how I can feel better on a daily basis.

Sometimes putting things down in words can help you be more accountable. This is what this post is for me. Accountability. Because I want to share the journey with you – like I do everything else 😉 And what’s even better is my hubby is going to go on this journey with me. We put so much time into planning out Wyatt’s gluten-free diet, into making Levi’s baby food at home with organic veggies (more on that soon), but we fill our bodies with junk. And that’s just not how we want to live. It’s not right for us to treat our bodies like this.

If you have any tips – nutrition tips, exercise, etc – if you have a similar story – please share in the comments below!

And look out for weekly updates! 



  1. says

    Aww, girl! I’m there with ya! I know I’m overweight and emotionally eat, too. I need to start exercising again and watching what I eat. I’ve heard 6 snall meals a day is better for your metabolism and energy levels, so I need to try that (instead of 6 small treats a day. Ha ha!). A friend just added me to this healthy living group on fb and they have an emotionally eating video/webinar thingy that’s supposed to be awesome. I still need to watch. Let me know if you want me to add you to the group. :)

  2. Carly says

    I’m planning to start 30 day shred in two weeks when summer vacation begins…….let’s hold each other accountable? Daily check ins???

    • says

      I want to play daily-check ins!! I’m not doing the shred because I have a love-hate relationship with Jillian and we’re currently in the hate phase. I’m sticking to the treadmill everyday but I definitely need accountabilty!! Can we start a FB group for that?

  3. Leanne Redding says

    If you don’t have an accountability partner I’d love to text and help you and encourage! I’m going to school to be a nutritionist :) I will also stop posting photos of donuts 😀

  4. says

    I’ve been doing the Tone it Up girls 8 week bikini series. I’ve attempted their challenges in the past but never followed through. I’m about to start at week 5 and I’m so proud of myself for getting this far. You’d think being a certified personal trainer with a Kinesiology degree that this stuff wouldn’t be hard for me, but you know what…I’m human too. I need someone else’s plan and I need support just as I would provide support for my own clients and write them a plan. I am not perfect. If you ever need any help, please let me know! I’d love to help you out!!

  5. says

    Hugs. I feel your pain.
    Kid after kid after kid has just done a number on my body & I never realize it because in my head I don’t see it until I look at photos of me or a glance in the mirror at a different angle.
    Good luck on your journey! :) I know you can do it!

  6. says

    I hear you, loud and clear! I should be around 120lbs, but here I still, hovering around 195, which is 10lbs up from when I finished Nutrisystem. I know I have hypothyroidism that is in despair for treatment, but I just don’t have the insurance or the cash to see a doc and get medicine, so I find myself just giving up a lot, because I tell myself “why bother?” when I put it back on three times faster than I take it off. I learned while on Nutrisystem that I have to eat in an extremely strict manner if I want to lose weight, otherwise my body just doesn’t respond, and it’s frustrating, so so frustrating. I want to be the girl I see in old photos, from after basic in the Air Force, to my first year of civilian life after my discharge when I could wear whatever.I.wanted.omg. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I’ve been thinking of trying the Whole30 to see if that helps. The program makes a huge amount of sense to me, in terms of resetting the body and our cravings (which is something I super struggle with), so I might do that after we move and are settled in. I love food so much, but it’s killing me, so I need to make a change, a big change.

  7. says

    I’m right there with you. I weigh about 205 currently and that’s the smallest I’ve been since before I got married in 2010. I’m actually starting 30 Day shred tomorrow! Sadly, I had high hopes of starting it a few years ago when I bought it, but it’s still in the plastic. I hate the way I look right now and how tired I feel all the time. It’s only going to get worse as my boys get older and run and play outside more. We should do a weekly check-in or something for everyone!

  8. says

    I feel your pain… I am such an emotional eater and I know when I shouldn’t have certain things, but I just can’t stop myself. All I can suggest is that you surround yourself with people who will support you, not undermined your attempts at making yourself healthier. Good luck!

  9. Karie says

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us today….I am in the same boat and I am struggling as well. I will turn 50 on January 1, 2015 and my goal is to lose 50lbs by then. I have been on a roller coaster and I want off! I started gaining weight when I moved across the country with my husband so he could attend graduate school, leaving all of our family and friends behind. I found myself lost and all alone! It slowly started to creep on and then I was in a car accident and all heck broke loose.

    I have a long distant friend who is helping me stay focused and that helps but I also am an emotional eater. I work at a family homeless shelter and can find myself very stressed at times so that does not help. There is always food laying around for us to enjoy as well.

    So here are some tricks I am trying and they seem to be helping – I stay out of the kitchen at work as much as possible! I don’t even bring bad treats into the house – I love microwave popcorn and can always feel up on that. I have started drinking tons of water and I am surprised at how much I enjoy it. My supporter told me to drink a full glass of water each morning to get my metabolism going and once you do that for a week or so you will crave it! I make a batch of smoothies on Sunday night and then split them up into 8 ounce glasses and freeze them – taking one to work each day – I love eating them frozen and if I don’t get to them I can enjoy them as a drink. I also hard boil enough eggs for the week to enjoy one around 3:00 each afternoon to help with those cravings.

    My husband and I have always ate out a lot and we have all but stopped doing that. My husband love to experiment new things so we take something we like from a restaurant and then either just try on our own or look up a recipe and go for it! Why pay 7 bucks for a sandwich when you can make two for less. I also have started throwing salads into the week and at least 3 nights that is what we have with things like chicken and or steak on top. I love it and then I take leftovers to work – I never go out for lunch at work always bring leftovers!

    I look forward to following you on your journey and I will keep you posted with any tips I can….

    We can do this girl!

  10. says

    You’ve got this! I am still on my journey. I agree that the Tone it Up series is great. I also have my workout board on pinterest and try to work in some circuit training. Anything is better than nothing!!! Just keep pushing yourself, and when you feel down remember why you started!

  11. says

    so how’s it going so far??? I am doing Weight Watchers (for the third time…) and it’s so hard :( Booo…I’m so bad at eating well when I’m at home!! And YES I’m such an emotional eater – yikes!! My motivation right now is my (verrrry skinny) sister’s wedding is in less than 2 months and I need to get at least 10 pounds off by then…let’s keep eachother accountable??

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