You can read more about my journey with Endometriosis here.
When you’re living a life in constant pain you’d give almost anything to make it stop. You’d try almost anything to make it stop. The dark cloud slowly and steadily takes over both your body and mind, and it creepily drags you into a very dark place.
I spent years fighting my Endometriosis, years trying different treatment options, therapies, medicines, stretches, everything. Nothing was working. The only time I wasn’t in pain was during both of my pregnancies. While I was growing my little loves inside, I felt nothing, and both pregnancies were the happiest times of my life. But in both cases, a month after delivery, the pain came back in like a ripping tidal wave, and it took me under.
I just couldn’t fight it anymore, I wanted the physical pain and emotional twisting of the brain to stop. I spoke with my doctor about moving forward with having a hysterectomy. At just 27 years of age, I had made a plan of action, a plan I thought was going to solve all of my problems. I had two little, gorgeous boys, a happy marriage, and a pain that just wouldn’t go away. I was willing to try everything to be both the mother and the wife I wanted to be.
In January of 2014 I had my Uterus removed. After 3 months, the pain returned.
In February of 2016 I had my Ovaries removed. After 3 months, the pain returned.
And now, I’m still in pain, and my insides feel hollow. My dreams of carrying and delivering another baby on my own are gone. My body was thrown into early menopause, and I’m left with more anxiety that I’ve ever had in my life. I feel uncomfortable in most social situations because I’m either nervous that my pain will ruin my time, I’m anxious because I can feel myself sweating like it’s over 100 degrees outside, or I’m afraid the first thing people will think when they look at me is “fat” because I can’t control my hormonal weight gain.
When it’s cold outside, I’m sweating. When I sleep, I’m sweating. These hot flashes are NO joke. I recent made a trip to New York for an event, and there were so many times I just wanted to go back to my hotel room and hide. Hide from people seeing me drenched in sweat, hide from the fear that someone would think I was gross. All of these newer side effects have only piled on top of what was there before.
But you know what? I can’t take it back, I can’t take back that decision my husband and I made years ago, I can only remember the extreme level of hope we had that we would finally come out on top.
This is who I am, this is me.
The sweat, the pain, this life is mine.
I can either spend the rest of it hiding with anxiety, or I can push through it. I’m choosing to push through. I change my outfit several times a day because of sweat, but you know what – it won’t always be this way, hopefully.
I choose NOT to let this illness beat me,
I choose NOT to let this illness hold me back from MY life.
But if I could go back, if there was some magical time machine that only exists in the furtherest, most magical corners of my mind, I would. I would tell myself that the neither of the surgeries would work to solve my problems. I would show my past self what I feel now, what I experience now, and what I have lost. And then I’d give myself a big bear hug, pull away with my arms extended, look me straight in the eyes and say…
“Seriously, Kendall. Don’t do this.”
You can read more about my journey with Endometriosis here.
I’m sorry that you are suffering…as I was reading, I was thinking, “me too!”. Suffered forever, two pregnancies were the best months of my life! And, back in pain afterwards. I had a partial hysterectomy (uterus and one ovary) a year after my twins were born (total luck w its twins). And I’m in early menopause st 41. However, I feel like it was a great decision for me. Other than the occasional ovarian cyst, I’m much better! I’m on hormones and my hot flashes are gone! (Definitely suffering from the weight gain, but I’m also not exercising) I’ve not had a period in 9 years, that’s wonderful for sure! We wouldn’t have had more kiddos, but if I’d had healthy lady parts, I would have for sure been a surrogate…that’s my only bummer in it all…anyway, I feel for you. I hope you find peace and comfort.
I had the same experience pre-op and the opposite experience post-op. By far the best decision I ever made! I spent 30 years as a slave to pain, it ruled my life. Now, 3 years after having a total hysterectomy, pain free! Yes, I have hot flashes, but they aren’t that bad. I carry a fan and have gotten used to them.
I had a hysterectomy at the age of 22 after suffering for about 10 years with doctors telling me that there was nothing wrong with me, that it was all in my head. I do have two children. They did leave one ovary, after the surgery I felt like a new person I wasn’t sick all the time and wasn’t in constant pain. The surgeon told my husband afterwards that he was surprised that I ever got pregnant and had kids after what he found inside me. I had been sick for so long I forgot what it felt like to feel good. I am now 50 years old and I do have problems with hot flashes and I have some facial hair, but I would much rather have those two inconveniences then the constant pain that I was living in.
I’m currently sitting on the fence…. 33 with two boys, 4 and 2, and of course I was told “having children seems to actually solve these types of issues. Liars. I’m attempting to be vegan, live an “anti-inflammTory” life style, regularly visiting my naturopath for new plans to come at my monthly debilitating pain (which for me is mostly around ovulation) after two laparoscopic surgeries already. I fear a full hysterectomy because of the requirements for hormones afterwards plus my family has a history of breast cancer and hormone therapy (estrogen) is not a good idea when that’s in the line. However, my grandmother died of ovarian cancer so really, which evil is worse? I feel like I.m being wish even considering surgery that will be such a hurdle for our family. Can you tell my brain is all over the place? But my heart breaks watching my two year old play with his doctor set and always assuming someone’s “pair is in their tummy….like mommy… when she can’t move or has to lay in the bathroom in case she vomits from pain. Sorry, that got long…. but this is my first ace I’ve felt I could talk to those who understand and may have insight, support Nd feedback. Than k you in advance ladies.
I am a 44yo single mother of two teenage boys. One 18 and going off to college this fall and my other one is 15 and a sophomore in high school. I have been suffering from endometriosis since I was 16yo. I had my first lap surgery at age 19. Thankfully, it wasn’t that bad and they were able to remove scar tissue from my right ovary. I suffered two miscarriages before having my two boys. In my 30s, the pain returned. Along with long excruciating periods. Then I started bleeding 7 to 10 days straight. Then it turned into weeks at a time. Then an entire month. Two days later, I woke up in so much pain that I thought that I was going to die. I layed naked on my bedroom floor crying alone. I called 911 and the emt’s rushed me by ambulance to the hospital. Found out that I had a 7cm cyst on my right ovary and an 8cm fibroid in my uterus. The cyst was benign, so my doctor suggested taking care of the fibroid and letting the cyst shrink. According to her, I was too old. I was 41yo, go figure. After about a year, things calmed down. But the pain came back. The extreme bloating, irritated bladder, body aches and pains and the long periods all returned. I seeked out family doctors, urologist, other ob/gyn’s etc. No one had an answer. I was just crazy. The pain, nausea, bloating, urinary problems, hot flashes, swelling, extreme fatigue etc were all in my head. Four weeks ago, I drove myself to the ER after waking up in excruciating pain again. Also, I had been bleeding for a month. The sonogram revealed another 7cm cyst on my right ovary. So I was put on progesterone and told to follow up with a doctor. I searched all over the internet and came across my current doctor. FINALLY someone listened. I wasn’t crazy. I cried. I had lap surgery a week later to remove my right ovary. But when they went in, endometriosis was everywhere! Both overies, uterus and a couple spots on my bladder. My left ovary was covered so much that it was attached to my abdominal wall. They ended the surgery, woke me up and told me that I would need a complete hysterectomy. My surgery is in two days. I’m just recovering 1 week from my last surgery. My hysterectomy will also be lap (DaVinci). I am looking forward to it. I have had a lifetime of pain. A whole life filled with pain, severe depression, extreme fatigue, a failed marriage, a series of failed relationships etc. Only through the grace of the Almighty, have I been able to work, raise my sons and try to live a somewhat decent life. I no longer want to lead a decent life. I want to live a happy and fulfilling life. I want to be around to see my sons graduate and start their lives, be a grandmother and maybe….just maybe…finally find love.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve previously had a lap surgery for endometriosis/ovarian cysts and then 2 babies – which helped – and now, a year after my youngest was born, I’m struggling with the pain. I called my gyn and asked her to take everything out! She balked – which I’m grateful – and suggested trying an IUD first. Just got it put in. We’ll see how it goes! Trying to be hopeful. I’m grateful for your perspective.