I knew that I would feel different after having surgery, but I also knew that it needed to be done. I had tried every treatment, and had previous surgeries for endometriosis removal – but it always kept growing back. I was in a lot of pain every day. I was taking up to 4 pain killers a day just to function. This wasn’t the way that I wanted to live my life and I wasn’t able to be the mother that I wanted to be for my kids.
Walking into the hospital knowing that I would be walking out without the ability to have another baby was tough. Being put on the Labor and Delivery floor after having had the hysterectomy was tough. Every time a baby was born a soft lullaby was played over the loudspeakers – and each time that song played my heart felt a sharp stab. I remember when they played that song for Levi, when I was here just three months ago. And laying in that bed – I came to terms with the fact that I would never be up on this floor again, ever. And seeing the mothers with their freshly welcomed little ones wrapped up in their arms made my heart ache. Because I’d never have another one of those moments again. ever.
It’s been two days since the surgery and I don’t feel any different emotionally yet. I’m still in a lot of pain, still on pain killers, and still unable to move around. It’s almost like my mind is unable to move too. And I’m still stuck on the fact that my baby-makin’ days are behind me, and it feels weird. I was lucky to only have to spend one night at the hospital before they let me come home. To be honest, I probably should have stayed a second night – but I missed my babies terribly and just wanted to see them and be home.
Coming home helped heal my heart. Having Wyatt run up and hug my legs made me feel so much better. And being able to hold Levi and kiss his soft forehead comforted me more than I can ever explain. It was at that moment that I realized just how lucky I am to have these two precious boys. I am so lucky. And it’s crazy because that fact always gets stored away somewhere in the back of my mind. I just need to consciously remind myself each and every day.
I feel selfish for wanting more. For dreaming of more kids. For more pregnancies. But the truth is – I shouldn’t feel bad. I should be able to mourn because I am experiencing a loss. Just not the kind of loss that others can relate to. This is something that I will have to work through on my own – and I won’t be able to count on anyone else to heal me.
These new wounds will heal – just as my heart will heal. It will just take time.