I knew that I would feel different after having surgery, but I also knew that it needed to be done. I had tried every treatment, and had previous surgeries for endometriosis removal – but it always kept growing back. I was in a lot of pain every day. I was taking up to 4 pain killers a day just to function. This wasn’t the way that I wanted to live my life and I wasn’t able to be the mother that I wanted to be for my kids.
Walking into the hospital knowing that I would be walking out without the ability to have another baby was tough. Being put on the Labor and Delivery floor after having had the hysterectomy was tough. Every time a baby was born a soft lullaby was played over the loudspeakers – and each time that song played my heart felt a sharp stab. I remember when they played that song for Levi, when I was here just three months ago. And laying in that bed – I came to terms with the fact that I would never be up on this floor again, ever. And seeing the mothers with their freshly welcomed little ones wrapped up in their arms made my heart ache. Because I’d never have another one of those moments again. ever.
It’s been two days since the surgery and I don’t feel any different emotionally yet. I’m still in a lot of pain, still on pain killers, and still unable to move around. It’s almost like my mind is unable to move too. And I’m still stuck on the fact that my baby-makin’ days are behind me, and it feels weird. I was lucky to only have to spend one night at the hospital before they let me come home. To be honest, I probably should have stayed a second night – but I missed my babies terribly and just wanted to see them and be home.
Coming home helped heal my heart. Having Wyatt run up and hug my legs made me feel so much better. And being able to hold Levi and kiss his soft forehead comforted me more than I can ever explain. It was at that moment that I realized just how lucky I am to have these two precious boys. I am so lucky. And it’s crazy because that fact always gets stored away somewhere in the back of my mind. I just need to consciously remind myself each and every day.
I feel selfish for wanting more. For dreaming of more kids. For more pregnancies. But the truth is – I shouldn’t feel bad. I should be able to mourn because I am experiencing a loss. Just not the kind of loss that others can relate to. This is something that I will have to work through on my own – and I won’t be able to count on anyone else to heal me.
These new wounds will heal – just as my heart will heal. It will just take time.
Praying for you! Your definitely experiencing a loss..just in a different way than usual. Hope your road to recovery is a speedy one..both physically and emotionally.
You’re a strong woman and an amazing mom.
Thinking of you and hoping that with time you can heal not only physically, but mentally as well. Praying for a fast and safe recovery.
Praying for healing! I’ve had severe issues with endometriosis and was never able to have children and had a hysterectomy when I was 39. It is so hard for myself on Mother’s Day and when I’m in a conversation with other ladies talking about childbirth I just have to walk away instead of cry! Even though I’ve got two step children, it still does not feel the void of never having my own children. Prayers again for you!
Praying for you! You need to give yourself time to grieve. I’ll be praying as you heal both physically and emotionally. Loving on your precious boys will help a lot 🙂
You are such a brave mama! Hugs and many prayers to you.
Hugs!
You are so brave, Kendall. Thank you for sharing such a huge piece of your heart. You’re right, you are mourning a loss and we’re all here for you. Lots of hugs and hope that your body and your heart heal quickly.
i feel for you and am right there with you – except i have been unable to have even one child. i have suffered for 28 years with female issues (ever since my first period), mostly endometriosis (eight surgeries under my belt to date), and we have even been through all types of fertility treatments other than IVF (can’t afford). i am very miserable now (for the past several years as my last surgery was six years ago and another is really needed) due to the pain and problems (SO many organs involved) caused by endo but can’t seem to force the hysterectomy due to the loss of the possibility (especially for my husband who wants his own child so badly) and so i suffer mostly in silence so i don’t make it worse on him. i have suffered so many losses (every period is a loss since it signals no hope yet again) that i have had to emotionally shut that off sometimes or it is overwhelming. mother’s day and father’s day were very hard on me this year.
anyway, my story is long and tedious – i just had to comment that you aren’t alone, as you already know. please know that you will be healthier and feel better yourself as you continue to heal, which helps you be a better person, mom, wife, friend when you feel better and suffer no pain. i have been following you for a little while and know some of your story with your children and i wish you all so much love and hope and blessings and on and on! hugs to you all – you are all so sweet and lovely and adorable!! i think of you often.