Talking about when everything goes dark, and living with a chronic illness.
This is my safe landing place, my ground to test, and try, and mess up, repeatedly. I’ve always loved sharing my life with you all because of the wonderful connections I’ve made with you. Especially women I’ve connected with who also have Endometriosis or are living with a chronic illness. Writing about my journey also is very therapeutic, something about my fingers hitting the keyboard allows me to express everything I’m feeling with ease – I guess you could say I’m not very verbal when I’m in a dark place.
Lately, my pain levels have been out of control. I wake up and it hurts, I go to sleep, and it hurts. I’m in a season right now that I don’t know how to navigate, and I feel incredibly alone and afraid. It’s funny how you can still feel loneliness when you’re almost always not alone. I think that’s part of the demon that comes along with any chronic illness, it wants to make you feel that way.
Pain has the ability to completely take over and transform you into someone you don’t recognize.
Some days are better than others, and on those days I make sure to take full advantage. I make sure I’m doing fun things with my family, and really knocking things off my to-do list. On those days I feel like myself, I feel so productive and happy. Then something happens inside my stomach, something gets angry and irritated and just flat out flips out. It’s a slow but steady storm that gets more and more intense.
Every time I’m having a bad pain day I try and think about all of the young ladies who have e-mailed me asking for advice. Girls who are sixteen and seventeen and who have just been diagnosed with Endometriosis. I think about who I want them to see, someone who lets the illness control her, or someone who gets up, dusts herself off, and fights right back. Most days I choose to fight back, but lately the fight has left me.
When these girls reach out..
I want to tell them everything will be fine, that they’ll figure it out – but in all honesty, I don’t know if that’s true, because I’m not fine.
How can I possibly give someone advice when I myself don’t have it figured out? How can I tell them they’re going to be fine when I’m struggling, someone who has tried nearly everything.
So, what’s next? The doctor is recommending a Presacral Neurectomy, but in all honesty – the long list of complication risks associated with it scare the hell out of me. For the time being, I won’t be moving forward with that, and will be tackling a clean eating diet and possibly starting back up with physical therapy.
I wanted to share this dark time with you, because I wouldn’t want to be anything but honest with you. I am going through a really difficult time, but it is part of my journey. It’s part of my Endometriosis story, and documenting the dark times, the hard times, will only help others understand just how intense this illness can be.
As always, I have too much to fight for to let this beat me.
I have too much love in my heart and light in my life to let this darkness take over.
To the women out there who are out there fighting beside me, I’m sending loads of strength and love your way.