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July 6, 2017 · 3 Comments

When Everything Goes Dark | Living with a Chronic Illness

Endometriosis

Talking about when everything goes dark, and living with a chronic illness.
Living with a Chronic Illness

This is my safe landing place, my ground to test, and try, and mess up, repeatedly. I’ve always loved sharing my life with you all because of the wonderful connections I’ve made with you. Especially women I’ve connected with who also have Endometriosis or are living with a chronic illness. Writing about my journey also is very therapeutic, something about my fingers hitting the keyboard allows me to express everything I’m feeling with ease – I guess you could say I’m not very verbal when I’m in a dark place.

Lately, my pain levels have been out of control. I wake up and it hurts, I go to sleep, and it hurts. I’m in a season right now that I don’t know how to navigate, and I feel incredibly alone and afraid. It’s funny how you can still feel loneliness when you’re almost always not alone. I think that’s part of the demon that comes along with any chronic illness, it wants to make you feel that way.

Pain has the ability to completely take over and transform you into someone you don’t recognize.

Some days are better than others, and on those days I make sure to take full advantage. I make sure I’m doing fun things with my family, and really knocking things off my to-do list. On those days I feel like myself, I feel so productive and happy. Then something happens inside my stomach, something gets angry and irritated and just flat out flips out. It’s a slow but steady storm that gets more and more intense.

Every time I’m having a bad pain day I try and think about all of the young ladies who have e-mailed me asking for advice. Girls who are sixteen and seventeen and who have just been diagnosed with Endometriosis. I think about who I want them to see, someone who lets the illness control her, or someone who gets up, dusts herself off, and fights right back. Most days I choose to fight back, but lately the fight has left me.

When these girls reach out..

I want to tell them everything will be fine, that they’ll figure it out – but in all honesty, I don’t know if that’s true, because I’m not fine. 

How can I possibly give someone advice when I myself don’t have it figured out? How can I tell them they’re going to be fine when I’m struggling, someone who has tried nearly everything.

So, what’s next? The doctor is recommending a Presacral Neurectomy, but in all honesty – the long list of complication risks associated with it scare the hell out of me. For the time being, I won’t be moving forward with that, and will be tackling a clean eating diet and possibly starting back up with physical therapy.

I wanted to share this dark time with you, because I wouldn’t want to be anything but honest with you. I am going through a really difficult time, but it is part of my journey. It’s part of my Endometriosis story, and documenting the dark times, the hard times, will only help others understand just how intense this illness can be.

As always, I have too much to fight for to let this beat me.

I have too much love in my heart and light in my life to let this darkness take over.

To the women out there who are out there fighting beside me, I’m sending loads of strength and love your way.

xo.

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  • The Endometriosis WarThe Endometriosis War
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Comments

  1. chelsea w says

    July 6, 2017 at 6:37 PM

    Sending strength right back your way. I don’t know if I’ll ever have my life with “Endo” figured out (or any of my chronic illnesses, to be honest). But sharing my struggles with them, and getting support and feedback has definitely helped. I’m glad you shared this post, and I love the quotes in it. I’ll be thinking of you! xx

    Reply

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  1. Life Lately & a Clean Eating Adventure says:
    July 11, 2017 at 10:43 AM

    […] is so awe-inspiring, and I just can’t wait! And as you might know, I’ve been a little down in the dumps lately, so I hope this trip can help me shake all of that off, and […]

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  2. Girlfriends Guide to New York City says:
    July 20, 2017 at 8:14 PM

    […] have come at a better time. If you’re a regular reader of the blog you might know I’ve been going through a rough time lately, so getting away really allowed for me to take it easy, focus on myself, and just fill my own cup. […]

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Hello, there! I’m Kendall and welcome to my little space on the internet. I’m a wife, momma to two adorable boys +  6 fur babies. read more

 

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💕✨IT’S PUPPY DAY!✨💕 🌧 We left this 💕✨IT’S PUPPY DAY!✨💕

🌧 We left this morning to go pick up our puppy and in the rain, in a not-so-nice part of town, our windshield wipers stopped working completely. (See stories) 🙈

🧰 Luckily my hubby was able to get us home safely, fix the problem, and now we’re back on the road!

🐶 CAN’T WAIT TO FINALLY GET OUR GAL! 

🏷 & you know I planned out this all-pink outfit to meet our girl in! Wearing the 3X on top & bottom. 💕 You can instantly shop my looks by following me on the LIKEtoKNOW.it shopping app. @liketoknow.it #liketkit #LTKcurves #StayHomeWithLTK #LTKVDay http://liketk.it/361Dr
#ad 💜The day I got my Endometriosis diagnosis w #ad 💜The day I got my Endometriosis diagnosis was also the day I was told that if I wanted kids, I needed to have them ASAP. 

I was 23 years old.

I had just had my first ever laparoscopy after dealing with years and years of unexplained pain with hopes that the doctors would finally be able to solve the puzzle, and would finally be able to figure me out.”

READ MORE ABOUT MY STORY ON THE BLOG. Let’s chat fertility, Endometriosis and a new study that could be a huge advancement for those living with Endometriosis with @ccrmfertility, global pioneer in fertility treatment, research and science  offering best-in-class patient care. Link is in my bio! #letstalkfertility #endometriosis
🌿Fashion for me is healing🌿 🥵 When I wak 🌿Fashion for me is healing🌿

🥵 When I wake up on a bad pain day and already feel defeated it can be hard to make my toes touch the floor. Sometimes my body and mind make me feel like there’s no point - that whatever my day holds will include an intense pain, and I’ll have to deal with it whether I like it or not.

💕 But if I stretch myself just a little, put on a cute sweatsuit and mascara - I begin to build an armor. But instead of this armor keeping me safe from the world, it’s keeping me safe from myself, my illness, and the thought that it controls me.

☁️ It’s like being wrapped in warm, cozy comfort, even though your insides are hurting. And on weeks where I just can’t get a break with my pain, I kick things up a notch and throw on a party dress - preferably something with a little pizzaz. 

✨That’s why I really fell in love with clothing, because I can’t change the inside, I can’t make my illness go away, but I can combat it with my own kind of light. ✨ 

👀 Has an outfit ever changed YOUR outlook? Tell me below 👇🏼

*tagging a few endo accounts I’ve been loving*

🏷 Shop your screenshot of this pic with the LIKEtoKNOW.it shopping app @liketoknow.it [both of these looks are linked 😉] #liketkit #LTKcurves #StayHomeWithLTK #LTKNewYear http://liketk.it/35T5K
✨What brings you JOY?✨

Today in my stories I’m giving you a tour of my office space & sharing what’s been bringing me joy! 

I’m linking everything, including this SUPER comfy sweatsuit (wearing the 3x) on my @liketoknow.it for you! 💕 

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💋Okay, Monday. I’m ready for ya, let’s do t 💋Okay, Monday. I’m ready for ya, let’s do this! 

🐶 We pick up our new puppy on Friday! So yeah, we’re a little excited! I’m going to work hard & hustle so I can get all my work done before Friday so the weekend can be spent soaking up all of those puppy kisses! 🥰

✨What is ONE thing that you’re looking forward to this week? Let’s stir up some positive vibes!✨

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✨good morning✨ I’m ready to tackle some de-c ✨good morning✨ I’m ready to tackle some de-cluttering and organizing today. It’s been something that’s brought me a lot of joy lately. I think it’s because it’s something that I can control, in a world where there is so much we can’t. 

🐶 It also doesn’t hurt that our new puppy (🎀 Lady) is coming home next Friday so we’re trying to get the house in order for her. She is so cute, y’all are going to flip. 💕

✨What are YOU up to this weekend?✨

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📸 @quotesbychristie / 💕✨ Needed to keep 📸 @quotesbychristie / 💕✨ 

Needed to keep this one in-feed so I can see it daily! Get after those dreams, you got this! ☁️ 💃🏻✨
💙CONTENT CREATORS💙 ✨You deserve to be com 💙CONTENT CREATORS💙

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I’ve been blogging since 2009, and over the years I’ve learned a lot and worked with a lot of brands. I don’t have a massive following, but I still provide for my family 100% doing what I do. 

I want to help others who are out there trying, too. Especially those who are chronically ill like myself, I feel like there are sooo many things I could share that save time / energy that would be helpful.

So guess what? I’m going to share it all with you! I don’t have an agent, I’ve negotiated all contracts myself, and I learned everything I know (this was back before Pinterest or Instagram) from google and books. 

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